Will was dead center in my mind last night. No matter what else I tried to shift my brain power to, it kept bouncing back to him. So after awhile I stopped fighting it. I figure, if it’s this stong – there must be a reason for it. So about 11:30 pm I let the thoughts just come in. There were so many images, words and mini movies – all spinning what seemed like out of control. It reminded me of a kaleidoscope and with every turn of the view finder, there was something different to see/hear. But I wasn’t the one turning the view finder.
There were a lot of “what if” scenarios – almost as if Will was “what if’ing” the connection into the ground. Then it would shift to an exuberant happiness – then down to an overwhelming sadness. And it continued. Any time there was happiness – there were images of he, myself and my son together – even if it was eating popcorn and watching a movie on TV. The sadness was always when he was pacing in his apartment – alone.
Finally about 1:00 am I had enough and told Will that I’ll meet him in dream time. I walked down my dream path (as I like to call it) towards my dream portal/workspace. My path is always through a pine forest – I love the feel of the pine beneath my bare feet and the smell. As I round a corner – there is Ethan. I went over and gave him a big ole hug. I asked if he was back to help. He shook his head no – this is just a visit. We both could feel Iris in the background – just watching. I leaned into Ethan and asked – is she always like this? You mean a control freak? – Yes Ethan replied with a chuckle. But she gets results – her charges always travel down the path they are supposed to. I guess that’s comforting – I said. He replied – it should be.
So we’re walking and I asked Ethan if I’m doing something wrong? Is there something I’m meant to do that I haven’t done yet? He shook his head — no — the ball is in Will’s court. It’s completely up to him. I asked – why is this so difficult for him if he “knows”. Ethan put his arm round me and answered – because change is difficult, no matter matter much you want it (this sounded very familiar to me – AKA my divorce last year) and you add to that shyness and an uncertainty if this is all in his head — and there you go. Is this something that he’ll get over. Ethan shrugged – he has to or this will repeat in the next life. And quite frankly – there isn’t time to repeat this – you two have to be together so that the next step happens. So this is a must for him. His guides will keep putting things, reminder, in front of him so that he takes that next step.
The next step – involves Bill and Ted doesn’t it? Ethan nods – also Clive, Peter, John, Larry and a woman and her partner that you have failed to explore yet. I don’t have time for her right now.
(update – I have written about her before – I called her Jo:
Well, Ethan said – just like Will will have things in front of him about you – you will keep having things in front of you about her. This isn’t something that can be put off. Since she and Will know one another – do I meet her before Will calls or after? Ethan replied – that hasn’t been written yet.
Something catches my eye off the path and I go get it – a cell phone. I’m giving this to Will during our visit. Ethan laughed – of course you are.
I entered my dream portal and Ethan stayed behind.
I’m on a train with many people – but it’s not overcrowded. I’m at one end of a small car, Will is at the other end. To my left sits a woman who I am friends with in my waking life. Her partner is sitting next to Will. I see him lean over to Will and start to talk about me. I can hear what is said, even though I shouldn’t be able to:
G = Guy W = Will
G = You know Allie?
W = From Gypsy Advice? Yes. Her and her son.
G = Word is that she’s obsessed with you.
Will arises his eyebrows on that one — and this guy is looking right at me — I’m staring at him trying to say with my eyes – WTF and shut the hell up. But he goes on…
W = You don’t say.
G = She thinks about you all the time.
W = I see.
I look over at this my friend and ask – what in the hell is he doing? She shrugs. Make him stop – I said.
Next thing I know, Will has a magazine in his hand and he sits a couple of rows behind me. I can feel him staring at me -but I refuse to look over at him. He is now sitting behind me – his left hand is on the back of my chair – he’s tapping his fingers. I look and he’s wearing a brand new shiny wedding ring.
I look over at my friend and say – hell no. I stand up and I’m cussing to myself. A lot of – WTF came out. I started to walk away in the opposite direction – she asked – where are you going? I yelled – this is whacked – I’m waking up. So I walk through the cars shouting at myself to wake up and I finally do.
I laid there in bed — what in the hell was that? I talked to myself: Why was that scene there? He’s not married – I know he’s not married. But the ring he had on – looked just like (my ex) when we first got married, same ring. Will has been in an on again off again relationship for over 10 years – maybe she feels that they are married even if they are not? And I’m not obsessed. I have a life – and he’s not center stage.
I gotta go back into that dream. So I did…
The train came to a stop and we all got off and went into a huge formal garden – the kind you would see outside of a castle. I’m on a balcony and I see Will. He sees me. I turn the opposite way and go inside this room made from shrubs. There are a bunch of people in there and someone asked me if I was okay. I try not to cry – because I’m very angry and frustrated. I said – no I’m not okay. So I go back out of that room and into where Will is still at. I have two ways to go in order to get to the other side of this balcony- I see Will walking towards me on one side – I start to walk the opposite – but then think — nah…and I walk right past him – it takes everything I have not to look over at him. But as we pass he said – Allie – wait -please. I stop. He’s alongside of me -and it’s automatic – I thread my arm through his and we walk.
I need to know – he said – I need to know if I have a chance.
I look over to him – you’re the only one.
We’re silent for a few steps.
Do you understand what I mean? He nods. There is no one else – no one.
Will smiled and let out a sign of relief.
But I don’t do the married thing – I’m not playing second fiddle. I’m not someone’s afterthought. I went through two marriages where I was the afterthought and was cheated on — I will never do that to another woman.
But you have – he replied.
Yes – in my early 20’s. I learned that lesson by being on the receiving end twice of men who didn’t give a crap about me. And I will never do that again – no matter what I feel for the person. I deserve better.
Will replied – understood. But you’d never be second fiddle in my life.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the cell phone – and handed it to him. Then first work it out with your ex, she is an ex right?
He nods – but she doesn’t see it that way.
Find a way to make her understand and then call me. And could you hurry up, we’re not getting any younger.
Then I woke up.
As strange as it sounds – when I woke up I felt Will reading my blog to see if I wrote about this dream yet. He’ll check back until he reads this – and then his uncertainty won’t have such a hold on him. I feel this is why Iris was adamant about me posting this entry today and not waiting until Monday.
And I must admit – it is very strange to feel that you’d take a bullet for someone in a heartbeat when you have only met them once (in this life – obviously). It’s an unconditional sa
crifice – just like it would be for my son. There’s no thinking about it – it’s automatic.